I am not letting you go, physics!

When I figured out that I had ruined the finals, I did not stop rubbing my glasses with my sweaty hands. I wanted the lenses to get as dirty and foggy as possible. Looking around through my glasses, I found everything covered by a strange, translucent sheet of contaminated mist. All I could do was sigh, and regret how I looked at the world through these foggy glasses. All I could do was suffer from the painful thought that I cannot yet see what I wish to see.

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I have believed for all these years that I am a "STEM kid." Well, I don't want to divide people into "natural sciences" and "liberal arts," but it is true that quite a few students are a little bit more interested in a particular field. In my case, I know by heart that I love science. I have always craved for the knowledge about how and why things work in the world. I feel joy when I figure out a new fact about a natural phenomenon that I had never taken notice before. It is as if I am given a secret key that can bring things into recognition, one after another. Science was always my thing, and I was proud of myself for doing great in science-related subjects.

I don't know exactly when, but things slowly began to change. I no longer got perfect scores in math - mostly because of my slow calculation skills, I guess. I did not see it as a big problem. Calculating and dealing with numbers is not everything that matters in science; it is merely a tool. However, when I entered high school and began to study physics (sadly, without any preparation), I was more than shocked by how clumsy I was in solving problems compared to the other kids. That clumsiness proved its existence right in my grades.

I can list a million excuses for why I got such low grades in physics this year. I was slow in math, did not practice enough problems, was too nervous, did not think of drawing a diagram in the FRQs, and believed that I would be good at physics just because I liked science. Thinking about all the things that I could have done, I felt so miserable. I was a moron who only pretended to study hard for exams, doing nothing really productive.

For days, I have been thinking about science, math, and physics, and why I am not good at those subjects, and if I should not consider myself as a "STEM kid" anymore. After all, I often get better grades in subjects like English composition and economics. But, I came to the conclusion that science is too beautiful and meaningful to stop loving. Even as I quietly type word after word at dawn while everyone's asleep, I can feel the breath of science and math everywhere, as vivid and alive as they can be. To me, abandoning the study of science is just not the right attitude to face the world.

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Science and math wounded me fatally this time. If not for them, I would never have received such terrible grades. But I will not blame the subjects themselves for what happened to my GPA. It is my fault that I didn't do well in the studies that I actually love. I don't want the subjects I like and the subjects I am good at to be different. Not anymore. For that to happen, I must go forward - not weak because of my wounds, but strongly desiring to conquer the sciences.